Mindful communiCATION Series: What does this human need? A strategy to stimulate deep listening

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Over the next three weeks, this 3-part series in mindful communication will give you real-life strategies to communicate, well, more mindfully. We can’t all be Deepak Chopra, Oprah, or Bill and Melinda Gates when it comes to communicating with others. In fact, we may sometimes struggle communicating with those around us. Give yourself a little pat on the back for opening this post and wanting to learn more about how to communicate more mindfully. 
 
So, what is mindful communication? Think about that interaction you had that didn’t go quite as planned. What was your intention going into that discussion or interaction? Did you have an intention? Mindful communication simply directs our attention and efforts to the intention of our interaction. When we engage with others more mindfully, we can help remove biases and we open up to what they’re saying – without having to react! We realize we don’t need to be right. We can let the other person be smarter than us. Mindful communication is about realizing the impact our words have on the relationship. Let’s dig into the first strategy in this series.
                                                        .       .       .                                            What does this human need? A strategy to stimulate deep listening.
During a recent conversation with a coach, the concept of deep listening came up again (this is the second time I’ve written about this now!). Specifically, listening to what the human you’re talking to NEEDS. 
 
Whoa…What does that even mean? 
 
Imagine you’re talking to someone and you just aren’t seeing eye to eye. You may exchange arguments for one rationale versus the other, and you are both unwilling to budge from your position on the topic (gee, this doesn’t come up at all in our political climate, haha). This is when I was asked to take a step back. Observe the situation and discussion. What do you notice? What have you been hearing this person say? How have you been contributing to the conversation?
 
If you’re like me, stopping to observe may be a challenging task to do while in the moment of the conversation. However, I’ve been trying it out and it really helps me be more mindful. Below are the steps I’ve been taking to help make mindful communication happen. 

1. It’s a mindshift. Accept that you’re not always going to be perfect or do it right. 
2. Imagine during the conversation that you’re removing any sort of expectations or control. Like you let go of being right, you let go of your corner, you let go of emotions attached to the interactions, and so on.
3. Simply listen. Listen to the words they choose to say, listen to the inflection in their voice, listen to what they’re not saying. 
4. Ask yourself, what does this human need from me right now? Maybe it’s compassion, maybe it’s validation, maybe it’s comradery, maybe it’s acceptance, maybe they just need to be heard. Whatever it is, listen for what that human is asking for but not saying out loud. 
5. Recognize that by deeply listening, you don’t have to agree with them. Rather, you can more fully understand what they need in that moment and respond more mindfully. 

The ability to step back during a conversation and ask yourself what the person needs requires a great deal of compassion, not only for that person, but also for yourself. Give yourself some space to try this out and see how it can lead to more mindful communication for you. Asking what this human needs can help you identify areas of communication that may prevent you from moving forward in the relationship. I know it has for me. However, deep listening is a skill we all can continue to develop and do not need to be stuck in a communication rut. I’d be interested to hear how you use this in your life, so please don’t be shy to share your stories! 
 
Stay tuned next week for the second in the series when we discuss communication styles.
​- HRH