Mindful Communication Series Part 3: Recognizing and moving past historical communications – what is the lens you’re bringing to the communication?

Photo by Bud Helisson on Unsplash

In this final part of the mindful communication series, we examine how the historical aspect of communications can impact present and future interactions. As we move throughout life, we continue to develop a specific type of way we see the interactions of others and how our own interactions influence the situation. When we’re young, we may develop a specific communication method from the way we interact with our parents, peers, teachers, or other adults. Think of this as a specific way you look at the world, essentially the lens you bring to every conversation, every interaction. Sometimes you may be a certain person when interacting with one group of people, and feel like a completely different person when interacting with another group. This is normal, however, it becomes detrimental to communicating when your lens has a negative impact on the outcome of the conversation. 
 
I’ll give you an example from my own life. I rarely saw my parents fight when I was younger, and when I did, my father would often retreat and stop talking. In essence, he would avoid the conversation or topic completely and wait until it blew over. He still does this to this day and I’ve accepted this about him. In retrospect I realized that I unknowingly I picked up this conflict avoidance technique. Fast forward to my adulthood where conflict, both big and small, arises on an everyday basis in the workplace. I realized that I was using this ineffective technique to resolve conflict. When a co-worker and I had a major argument, I would shut down and retreat. Additionally, I was using my lens of how I learned to handle conflict and, in the process, pushing a peer away. I would get anxious whenever I knew I would talk to this person because it felt like it was always another conflict. It didn’t feel right, and it didn’t feel good to be in a constant state of anxiety whenever I had to interact with them. What could I do? It wasn’t until I began recognizing this ineffective lens that I was bringing to the communication that helped me to slowly peel back the layers of the communication that I was bringing to the conversation. I had a tough conversation with myself first that this was a communication that was not mindful, nor was it productive. Then, I had a tough conversation with the co-worker. I admitted the lens I was using, I owned my communication faults. It felt exhilarating! The co-worker was receptive and we entered into a more productive conversation after that and committed to more open discussions moving forward. 
 
By simply acknowledging my own lens that I was bringing to the conversation, instead of feeling that it was all the other person’s fault, I was able to move into more mindful communication. If you find yourself having a hard time dealing with communication, try identifying what lens you’re bringing to the conversation. What historical communication methods have you learned that may no longer be serving you? Shifting the lens to be more open and non-judgmental (both about yourself and the other person) can help you recognize the underlying issues that you can work on. It’s not about changing the other person, it’s about changing how you approach the conversation to deeply listen to how you’re showing up to that conversation. As mentioned in the previous two articles from this series, deep listening and communication styles are also great tools to help you develop the awareness of your lens. Allow yourself the time to find mindful communication and you’ll reap the benefits for years to come! Think of every conversation as a learning opportunity to engage in self-discovery and explore the other person.